What question are you afraid to ask yourself?

I’ve been sitting on this post for a long time. In the spirit of naked, bold un-confidence and authenticity, here it is.

I sat there, head in my hands, for what felt like a very long time.

I let out a sigh – I needed to move on. I couldn’t let this keep getting to me.

12-19-13 question afraid to askMy inner gremlin was having a blast: If you react like this to one negative e-mail, how are you going to handle bigger exposure?

But it wasn’t just one e-mail. It was months of doubt, shoved way down where I wouldn’t think about it.

It was reluctantly positive feedback from close friends.

It was my own fear that what I had created (which was, basically, me) wasn’t good enough.

It was the unsubscribes that made my heart sink. The spam notification that made me shake my fist at the Universe.

I walked over and picked up my journal. My dog-eared, worn-out notebook that treasures all my yells, pouts, and fist-shakes. My little feeling cave that gets to hear it all.

Reluctantly, I picked up the pen. The scribbling was initially soft and shy, but quickly picked up to a cathartic pace and pressure.

Let it all out. 

I felt my emotions. I let them wash over me, and through my pen enter the paper where I imagined them staying in the journal.

Of course I had gotten negative feedback, look at the fear-based energy I had put out.

Ranting turned into analyzing and introspecting.

How is this experience serving me?

Every experience I go through offers me the opportunity to learn first-hand how to coach another person who goes through this. This is a big blessing.

If I had never gotten any negative feedback, I would have never had the chance to adjust my energy and return to love.

Every challenge is there to teach me a lesson. These things are not hurting me, I am allowing them to hurt me.

By this point I was feeling better.

It all made sense. I had gone too far. I had been too greedy. I had shifted from love energy into fear energy. From giving into taking, and needing. This returned the same energy to me, which drained me.

I was grateful for the lesson.

But… What question am I afraid to ask myself?

Woah. Where did that come from?

Hmmm… Okay.

What if my inner sun is not as bright as I tell myself it is?

What if all that I’m giving is going nowhere?

What if my work will never help anyone?

What if I’m doing all the wrong things and will end up losing all credibility?

What if I end up never doing anything new and unique and worthwhile and will never end up standing out?

What if I will always be stuck where I am right now?

Oh.

Well, what if I will?

I’ll be fine.

I’ll live. I’ll still be happy. I’ll still make a difference, maybe in another way.

I’ll realize that this was not my calling after all (and revisit my soul-dictionary because I’m obviously misunderstanding its messages).

I’ll move on.

I’ll be fine.

But this won’t happen.

I will keep moving on, because everything keeps moving on.

I will keep moving on, because I’m learning to fear the fear less and less every day.

I will keep moving on, because I’m getting better at letting my soul speak through my actions.

I will keep moving on, because if this is meant to be it will be, damnit! And if it isn’t then I trust it’s a useful experience anyway, and it will have taught me the lessons I needed to learn in order to be successful at the next thing on my path.

As I keep on moving on, I want to know…

1. What’s the question you’re afraid to ask yourself?

2. What’s your “response” to it? How will you keep on moving on and release the grip it has on you?

3. What will you do today that you’re scared of?

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